Hope.

Hope has become this mysterious, almost mythical thing to me. I hoped and hoped and prayed and prayed that Adah would not come early and that she would grow while still inside me. Adam did come early, even earlier than we thought she would and she was very small because she had not grown much after they noticed she had IUGR. I hoped and prayed that when Adah did come early that she would not have a very long NICU stay. Adah has now been in the NICU 5 1/2 weeks. I hoped and prayed one weekend that Adah would get to 3 lbs when she was at 2 lbs 15oz and she ended up loosing an ounce and not making it to 3 lbs for another week. I hoped and prayed that Adah would get to 1500 grams (a milestone for NICU babies) and she stayed at 1499 grams for 3 days. I no longer know how or what to pray for. It literally feels as if every time I have hoped or prayed for anything during this season, the opposite has happened or the thing I have hoped for has been excruciatingly slow in arriving. I am scared to hope but I am left with no other good options. It is either hope completely blindly and with building cynicism or despair and let myself go into the dark and stay there.

This is not to say that good things haven't happened. Here is just a small sample of the good things that have happened:
-Adah was born healthy apart from her small size (IUGR babies have a higher risk of being born with a syndrome, or being growth restricted due to some kind of infection and that was not the case with Adah)
- Adah has had a relatively uneventful NICU stay, meaning she hasn't had to have any surgeries or big procedures. She literally has just been growing in the presence of doctors and nurses (and in large part thanks to them).
-Adah's IUGR may never have been noticed if I hadn't already been going to a high-risk dr for something else. If IUGR goes undetected and the baby goes to full term, it has a higher risk of being still-born.
- I had no complications from my C-section which made it slightly easier to visit Adah every day during the first couple of weeks after her birth.
- I have benefited greatly from the love and support of my friends and family. I have never had a season of life in which I felt so uplifted and cared for by friends and family. I am very, very thankful for this.
- The NICU that Adah is in is wonderful and I trust all of the doctors, nurse practitioners and most of the nurses.

So, see, there are good things...its just those good things are things I never even thought to hope for. They are things that have just happened for the most part and made it a bit easier for the times that I hope for something and it doesn't happen.